Commy and friends have been considering the giveaway signs of impending old age.
Whilst most people argue that the acquisition of a garden shed signals the beginning of the end of the ‘testosterone years’ for men; for women, (hot flushes excluded) there are no such obvious outward signals … apart of course, from a sudden and wholly unexpected urge to start collecting Cruise Liner brochures.
Whilst Commy applauds the bravery of those reckless enough to willingly place themselves (at great cost ) on one of these top heavy, floating mini-cities of humanity, he states unequivocally that, unless semi-conscious or heavily sedated, he will never be found guilty of encouraging this nautical homage to over-consumption.
He gives below his reasoning :-
- Listen to the shipping forecast – shit happens!
- There are not enough drugs in the world to counter-act the misery that is seasickness.
- People go missing or fall overboard all the time. Look it up. It happens! Yet most of the crew are non-English-speaking, minimum-wagers. And (if we’re honest) if we were on subsistence wages, we’d probably let a few of these smug, over-weight b****rds drown too! Crew member to inquiry board (via translator) … ‘I could have sworn he was waving, not drowning!‘
- Sitting at your allocated table (at set meal times), surrounded by the same inanely smiling fellow passengers every night … asking you to ‘guess their ages’ before insisting you join them for a game of Canasta later … or tomorrow, if tonight isn’t convenient.
- Food – Quality not quantity, that’s all Commy’s saying! Is there really any call for a midnight buffet? And do these cruise companies really have a tie-in with Weight-Watchers?
- They advertise the fact that there is round-the-clock entertainment … as if it’s a plus!
- Surrounded by oceans of sparkling blue sea, yet fighting for a spot round a postage-stamp sized, chlorine filled, swimming pool!
- Remember those minimum wagers? They’re all gonna be lining up for their end of cruise tips. So … now you can’t afford the taxi fare home, right? Suddenly the boat trip feels more like a guilt trip!
and the No 1 reason to man the lifeboats or swim back to shore … hearing the following announcement:-
- ‘I’ma your captain and I’ma gonna welcome you alla today, aboard the Costa Condolence …’