Tooper has been listening to friends discussing his tendency to ‘stereotype’ people.
While Tooper takes issue with the use of this highly sensitive word, he considers that what most other people define as stereotyping, he would consider to be merely … categorising. In fact, he believes that since the dawn of time, we have been pre-programmed to do so and that it has formed a major role in honing both our survival and reproductive instincts.
Moreover, he contends that making snap judgements about strangers is one of the few pleasures a trip to the High Street affords these days and offers the following examples from some of his more recent meanderings :-
- a tall bespectacled women, with a severe hairstyle, dressed in a tweed suit and sensible shoes – chair of the local magistrates or senior librarian?
- a bearded middle-aged male in a battered corduroy suit (with leather elbow-patches) – Liberal Democrat councillor or geography teacher?
- a stout bustling female with an alice-band, denim skirt (with elasticated waist) and with two large labradors in tow – Farmer’s wife or Secretary of the Pony Club?
- a middle-aged bearded male (with latest iPhone) in a black turtle-neck sweater and jeans – gadget man or aspiring technology entrepreneur?
- a tattooed, brooding neanderthal dressed in black, with a mohican and multiple body-piercings - inner city vicar?
and the one always guaranteed to cause Tooper to break into a cold sweat, if seen advancing towards him with a steadfast gait …
- a recently dismounted motor-cyclist in full leathers but still fully helmeted – obviously a mafia hitman!
Commy’s friends have been discussing Celebrities and the naming of their offspring.
Can there be any better manifestation of their egos, they wondered, than the saddling of their poor, unsuspecting progeny with such self-indulgent epithets as Apple (Gwyneth Paltrow), Jermajesty (Jermaine Jackson) and Pilot Inspektor (Jason Lee – an American actor/comedian, apparently!). Don’t they realise this is the equivalent of pushing their child through the school gates with a target on its back, they asked? Have they learnt nothing from previous recipients of so-called ‘hip’ names, like Zowie Bowie; who emerged, years later, older and wiser as Duncan Jones?
Then there are the celebrities whose PA’s have managed to confuse their potential-baby-name-lists with their bosses’ travel itineraries. Even if these children manage to avoid the ‘off the wall’ name-feste above, they run the risk of being christened as a country and/or city: India, Paris or even Moroccan (obviously geography is not a strong point, Mariah!).
However, they reserved their severest ire for those followers of a more recent trend. Those who guarantee their children a life-time of humiliation by naming them after the town or city in which they were conceived!
Now, whilst sympathising somewhat, Commy argued that, in fact, it could be argued that these Celebrity parents were doing their children a favour; rather in the manner of that Johnny Cash classic, ‘A Boy Named, Sue‘. Just consider how tough these kids would have to be, if, during some natural disaster (tornado, hurricane etc), their Celebrity parents were forced to take shelter (bored, without power and with nothing better to do) in any one of the following locations ..?
- Hooker – Oklahoma
- Disappointment – Kentucky
- Cockup – Cumbria
- Dildo – Newfoundland
- Intercourse – Pennsylvania
- Boring – Oregan
- Accident – Maryland
- Embarrass – Minnesota
- Bald Knob – Arkansas
and a great one for all the Brits …
- Twatt – Orkney, Shetland Islands, Scotland
Tooper has been listening to friends discussing how they felt they would fare under interrogation.
Whilst there were a few brave (some might say foolhardy) souls who felt they could withstand anything from white noise to waterboarding, there were others who were a little more circumspect.
Seemingly being exposed to any (or all) of the following would be enough for some people to start buckling under pressure :-
- ‘not being injected myself … but being forced to watch someone else being poked with a needle.’
- ‘being forced to listen to someone constantly popping and cracking their knuckles.’
- and from one particularly hardy soul, ‘being forced to eat the crust on a Stilton cheese!’
There did however appear to be general agreement about who they would least like to see in their cramped, fetid, dimly lit cell taking on the mantle of interrogator in chief:-
- anyone dressed in full clown regalia
- Lady Gaga
- anyone in mirrored sunglasses
- Christopher Walken
- anyone sitting a large black leather chair, stroking a cat
- Jack Nicholson
- anyone standing over a dentist’s chair
- Sean Penn
and an equal tie between…
- Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong-un
ONLY A FEW DAYS TO GO TO LAUNCH!
WE’LL KEEP YOU POSTED!
Commy has been listening to one of his female friends castigating men for laughing at her so -called ‘irrational fear’ of using lifts, or elevators as our US based clientele prefer to refer to them.
She further wondered why men pretend to be so macho. After all, she argued, things have moved on considerably ‘evolutionary-wise’ since the days when our knuckle-dragging ancestors hauled their compliant (and supposedly grateful) women back to their caves. Is it too much to expect she asked, that in these more enlightened times, men acknowledge that we are now in the 21st century and lighten up a bit in the testosterone stakes?
Commy however, feels that women need to be more careful what they wish for. In fact he argues that, before women stage their emasculating interventions by (metaphorically) wrestling the remote control out of their male counterpart’s cold, dying hands, they should take a moment to re-consider.
After all, ladies, would you really want the following:-
- Your New Man agreeing to share the household chores and then providing you with an optimum flow chart for loading/unloading the dishwasher?
- Your New Man asking you to remove a massive spider from the bath … or passing you a jar saying, ‘Open this for me, wouldya honey?’
- Your New Man returning laden with goodies from the sports outlet sale and making you, ‘guess how much?’
- Your New Man keeping a secret journal of all his innermost thoughts … and then locking it away.
- Your New Man swivelling in front of a mirror in his speedos, asking, ‘Does my beer belly look big in these?’
- Your New Man agreeing that, as a couple, you do indeed need to eat healthier; before binning the wine together with the chocolate.
- Your New Man not wanting to speak to his best friend because he feels slighted that he was seen with other friends down at the pub and he wasn’t invited!
- Your New Man getting back from his gym/spa day and asking expectantly, ‘Notice anything different?’
- Your New Man coming home from work and complaining that he had to use Fat Bill’s keyboard and it was so… disgusting!
and if you’re still not convinced, ladies…
- Your New Man waking you unexpectedly in the night, wide-eyed with terror, saying, ‘Can you hear something downstairs?’
Tooper has been listening to friends discussing the growth and growth of the government licence.
Is there any activity these days that doesn’t escape the all-compassing gaze of officialdom, they wondered? And who are these people anyway, to tell us whether we are competent enough to wield a fishing rod, perform street theatre or even marry?
Tooper as ever, begs to differ. He feels that he sleeps a little sounder knowing that certain sections of society are already on the authorities radar and further, suggests a few other areas of life that are just crying out for closer government control.
He suggests training, competency exams (and a licence) should be compulsory for all of the following :-
- anyone considering becoming a parent
- anyone accessing social media
- anyone given access to cash machines, self-service petrol pumps or ticketed parking barriers
- anyone (over 60) who’s thinking of attending Glastonbury
- parents watching their offspring playing competitive sport
- weather presenters
- anyone considering using public elevators, lifts or self-service check-out tills at the supermarket
- anyone considering wearing lycra in public
- anyone considering causing an outage of the national grid with their outdoor illuminations at Christmas
- have I mentioned parents?
Got time to check out our books page?
Commy has been listening to friends discussing the waning of resolve that inevitably follows the start of any new diet.
Why does it all start so hopefully, they wondered? After all, armed with the latest dieting tome, an unflinching attitude to booze and chocolate and a new-found evangelical spirit, shouldn’t it be inevitable that target-weights are achieved? Why is it then that for most (quicker than you can say Friday night takeaway), the first full week invariably ends in a nightmare of guilt, recrimination and discarded chocolate wrappers?
Yet Commy contends that annoyingly there are always people who do not fall by the wayside. A few iron-willed folk, armed with seemingly unlimited calorie apps, encyclopaedic nutritional know-how and a heightened sense of righteousness, think nothing of boring their family and friends rigid with tales of their dietary derring-do. Then, just as you are about to take your first mouthful of dessert, piously paint a nightmare vision of the hell-fire, damnation and obesity that awaits all those who do not repent; namely … death by donut.
So, how do you know if you qualify as one of these scary target-weight tyrants? Commy has come up with the following quick questionnaire :-
- Do you ever wait for friends to order food and then just happen to drop into the conversation a complete calorific breakdown?
- Have you ever considered wandering up to fat people in the supermarket and randomly explaining the difference between fats and trans-fats?
- Do you ever have to fight the urge, when faced with a ‘fat family’ in the supermarket pushing a trolley full of unhealthy products, to either a). secretly replace some items with something more healthy, OR, b). kidnap their children?
- Is the highpoint of your day when someone uses trigger words like, super-size, Haagen Dazs and Krispy Kreme?
- Can you feel your palms itching when someone implies their weight gain is solely the result of an undiagnosed thyroid problem?
- Have you ever secretly tucked a weight-loss plan leaflet under someone’s mouse-mat at work?
and, it may already be too late if …
- Your family and friends secretly agree that the only person more sanctimonious than you … is Jamie Oliver!
Coming soon. Watch this space!
Tooper has been quizzing female acquaintances about why they are always so laden-down with shopping bags.
While most described themselves as not serious shoppers, just ‘lovers of a bargain’, Tooper wondered whether there were those amongst them who were kidding themselves. He contended that, while they may be able to convince themselves that their shopping habits were merely casua, some were teetering on the verge of ‘hard-core’. In fact, he felt some had been known to plan their assaults on High Street Stores, with a level of precision planning that could only be described as ‘shock and awe’.
In the face of a barrage of protestations, Tooper came up with a simple test. He asked that they check the following statements and judge for themselves how many they had uttered in the last few weeks … then decide whether they should be termed a shopaholic.
- ‘At that price I just couldn’t leave it there!’
- ‘No! That was for my winter collection … this is for my spring collection.’
- ‘Yes, but I needed another pair in taupe because then they’ll go with anything!’
- ‘You know I’ve been so good lately, I thought I’d treat myself…’
- ‘I bought this for you… and while I was in there, I saw this for me …’
- ‘Yes, but none of my other handbags have these darling little pockets for my iPhone and lippie!’
- ‘You know what’s so great about this? I didn’t know I needed it, until I saw it!’
- ‘Guess how much? Go on! You’ll never guess!’
Now Amazon Top 50 Humour, our ‘delightful’ romantic comedy, The Great British Date Off
Commy’s friends have been wondering why they never come up with money-making ideas, unlike the person who, no doubt, made millions ‘inventing’ and marketing the blindingly obvious neck-brace.
Somewhat high-handedly, Commy felt obliged to point out that most of the time this had very little to do with true entrepreneurial spirit. Rather, it was more to do with the unique ability (held only by a select band of people, with virtually nothing to lose) to risk what little they do have on some hare-brained scheme. Some were bound to hit the jackpot and in fact, given the time, inclination and minimal start-up costs, he himself could probably do the same!
Having thrown down the gauntlet, he was unsurprisingly challenged to showcase his own money-making innovations involving the human body but precluding, of course, the most obvious ‘street walker’ or, ‘rough trade’ scenarios.
Never one to baulk, Commy (with a little time and a lot of prompting) came up with what he felt would be sure-fire winners :-
- HairRaiser.com – Wig-Makers to the stars.
- Company Motto – Our ‘rugs’ will never be pulled out from under you!
- BabyBoomer.com – No explanation necessary!
- Company Motto - Why throw the baby out with the bath water?
- Womb-n-Board.com – Surrogate Services
- Company Motto – When someone else wants to be left holding the baby.
Blood Donation (US only)
- SympathyForTheDevil.com - Blood-Bank Services
- Company Motto – It’s our job to get blood from a stone!
- PissTakers.com - Special rates for Tour De France participants! (and giving new meaning to the word, re-cycling)
- Company Motto – Let us make sure you come out smelling of roses!
COUNTING DOWN TO THE LAUNCH OF OUR FIRST CARTOON, HUMOUR PAPERBACK – THE TROUBLE WITH … RELATIONSHIPS. COMING SOON! KEEP CHECKING OUR BOOKS PAGE ABOVE.
Tooper, as someone who knows and understands the condition known as colour-blindness, has been enlightening his friends on the subject. Not the negatives, you understand, just the positives.
Whilst there may be those amongst you who are struggling with the concept of finding anything positive in having your career choices severely depleted, Tooper offers some advice. If you have the condition anyway, why not use it to your advantage? After all, some of our hunter-gatherer ancestors did; because apparently, being colour-blind meant that you were less likely to be fooled by your prey’s camouflage.
So for those of you sitting smugly in your blissful state of technicolor-full-sightedness, just consider some of the unseen benefits enjoyed by your colour-challenged friends:-
- You’ll never be called upon as a key witness in a lengthy trial … yes officer, I saw it all. Oh, what did he look like? Well, kind of a nondescript sort of guy, shoulder-length mousey hair, dressed in various shades of beige…
- You’ll never need to fork out for that expensive adrenalin rush inducing moment. Negotiating any major road junction (with multiple traffic lights) on a bright summer’s day makes driving suddenly seem like the ultimate extreme-sport….hold onto your hat grandma, we’re going through…
- You can opt out of the whole politically-correct bandwagon (after all, you truly are colour-blind) and say things like … grey people can’t jump!
- You can look suitably bemused when people come out with sayings like … you must be tickled pink … he’s been black-balled or … he was beaten black and blue…
- You’ll never be short of female attention. Just turn up at some social event in horrendously clashing clothes. When women criticise you for it, put on the little boy lost look and sigh … I can’t help it, I’m colour-blind. Women love a project.
- You may be someone’s project but you’ll always have a ready made excuse not to get involved in food shopping/cookery … sorry honey, this list says you need green peppers, red onions and ripe strawberries … sure you want to risk it?
- You’ll have an automatic ‘out’ on any discussion of colour-coded wedding attire, bridesmaid dresses and decorating schemes … I’m not really sure I’ll have anything constructive to offer…
THE TROUBLE WITH RELATIONSHIPS - FEATURING SOME OF OUR BEST CARTOONS AND POSTINGS – COMING SOON IN PAPERBACK AND KINDLE! WATCH THIS SPACE!
In the meantime, if you like your fictional romances served up with lashings of comedy, check out The Great British Date Off
First of all, apologies to all of you who receive our latest postings via email and for the freakishly large cartoon. We’re playing with the images in preparation for our first cartoon book and instead of giving you a better quality image we ended up possibly damaging your eye-sight! SORRY! All should return to normal next time.
A Bit About The New Book – The Trouble With Relationships
We’ve gathered together some our best musings on the trials and tribulations of finding (and keeping!) a life-partner in today’s sometimes baffling world and combined them with some of our famous wordplay cartoons. It will be the first in a series known as The Trouble With ….
Our plan is to make it available in both Paperback and Kindle versions and here is a little cover teaser.
Next up, The Trouble With … The Battle Of The Sexes!
So, if you ever struggle to come up with a pressie idea for friends who have both a sense of humour and a birthday coming up, all hope is not lost. We’ll keep you posted!
In the meantime, there is now a PAPERBACK version of our little comedy that is doing really rather well, The Great British Date Off. Why not add it to your Amazon wish-list now!