THE GREAT BRITISH DATE OFF

So Macho!

by Commy on July 10, 2014

relationship cartoon, wordplay, puns, cartoon humor blog, Dahling-Do-Tell Cartoon

Commy has been listening to one of his female friends castigating men for laughing at her so -called ‘irrational fear’ of using lifts, or elevators as our US based clientele prefer to refer to them.

She further wondered why men pretend to be so macho.  After all, she argued, things have moved on considerably ‘evolutionary-wise’ since the days when our knuckle-dragging ancestors hauled their compliant (and supposedly grateful) women back to their caves.  Is it too much to expect she asked, that in these more enlightened times, men acknowledge that we are now in the 21st century and lighten up a bit in the testosterone stakes?

Commy however, feels that women need to be more careful what they wish for.  In fact he argues that, before women stage their emasculating interventions by (metaphorically) wrestling the remote control out of their male counterpart’s cold, dying hands, they should take a moment to re-consider.

After all, ladies, would you really want the following:-

  • Your New Man agreeing to share the household chores and then providing you with an optimum flow chart for loading/unloading the dishwasher?
  • Your New Man asking you to remove a massive spider from the bath … or passing you a jar saying, ‘Open this for me, wouldya honey?’
  • Your New Man returning laden with goodies from the sports outlet sale and making you, ‘guess how much?’
  • Your New Man keeping a secret journal of all his innermost thoughts … and then locking it away.
  • Your New Man swivelling in front of a mirror in his speedos, asking, ‘Does my beer belly look big in these?’
  • Your New Man agreeing that, as a couple, you do indeed need to eat healthier; before binning the wine together with the chocolate.
  • Your New Man not wanting to speak to his best friend because he feels slighted that he was seen with other friends down at the pub and he wasn’t invited!
  • Your New Man getting back from his gym/spa day and asking expectantly,  ‘Notice anything different?’
  • Your New Man coming home from work and complaining that he had to use Fat Bill’s keyboard and it was so… disgusting!

and if you’re still not convinced, ladies…

  • Your New Man waking you unexpectedly in the night, wide-eyed with terror, saying,  ‘Can you hear something downstairs?’

The Licence List

by tooper on July 7, 2014

crime cartoon, ballooning cartoon, wordplay cartoon, puns, cartoon humor blog

Tooper has been listening to friends discussing the growth and growth of the government licence.

Is there any activity these days that doesn’t escape the all-compassing gaze of officialdom, they wondered?  And who are these people anyway, to tell us whether we are competent enough to wield a fishing rod, perform street theatre or even marry?

Tooper as ever, begs to differ.  He feels that he sleeps a little sounder knowing that certain sections of society are already on the authorities radar and further, suggests a few other areas of life that are just crying out for closer government control.

He suggests training, competency exams (and a licence) should be compulsory for all of the following :-

  • anyone considering becoming a parent
  • tourists
  • anyone accessing social media
  • anyone given access to cash machines, self-service petrol pumps or ticketed parking barriers
  • anyone (over 60) who’s thinking of attending Glastonbury
  • parents watching their offspring playing competitive sport
  • weather presenters
  • anyone considering using public elevators, lifts or self-service check-out tills at the supermarket
  • anyone considering wearing lycra in public
  • anyone considering causing an outage of the national grid with their outdoor illuminations at Christmas
  • have I mentioned parents?

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Got time to check out our books page?

Target-Weight Tyrants

by Commy on July 3, 2014

relationship cartoon, wordplay, puns, cartoon humor blog, Dahling-Do-Tell Cartoon

Commy has been listening to friends discussing the waning of resolve that inevitably follows the start of any new diet.

Why does it all start so hopefully, they wondered?  After all, armed with the latest dieting tome, an unflinching attitude to booze and chocolate and a new-found evangelical spirit, shouldn’t it be inevitable that target-weights are achieved?  Why is it then that for most (quicker than you can say Friday night takeaway), the first full week invariably ends in a nightmare of guilt, recrimination and discarded chocolate wrappers?

Yet Commy contends that annoyingly there are always people who do not fall by the wayside.  A few iron-willed folk, armed with seemingly unlimited calorie apps, encyclopaedic nutritional know-how and a heightened sense of righteousness, think nothing of boring their family and friends rigid with tales of their dietary derring-do.  Then, just as you are about to take your first mouthful of dessert, piously paint a nightmare vision of the hell-fire, damnation and obesity that awaits all those who do not repent; namely … death by donut.

So, how do you know if you qualify as one of these scary target-weight tyrants?  Commy has come up with the following quick questionnaire :-

  • Do you ever wait for friends to order food and then just happen to drop into the conversation a complete calorific breakdown?
  • Have you ever considered wandering up to fat people in the supermarket and randomly explaining the difference between fats and trans-fats?
  • Do you ever have to fight the urge, when faced with a ‘fat family’ in the supermarket pushing a trolley full of unhealthy products,  to either a). secretly replace some items with something more healthy, OR, b). kidnap their children?
  • Is the highpoint of your day when someone uses trigger words like, super-size, Haagen Dazs and Krispy Kreme?
  • Can you feel your palms itching when someone implies their weight gain is solely the result of an undiagnosed thyroid problem?
  • Have you ever secretly tucked a weight-loss plan leaflet under someone’s mouse-mat at work?

and, it may already be too late if …

  • Your family and friends secretly agree that the only person more sanctimonious than you … is Jamie Oliver!

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Coming soon.  Watch this space!BlogBookFrontCoverSm

 

 

 

 

 

 

Shop Til You Drop?

by tooper on June 30, 2014

crime cartoon, shoplifting cartoon, wordplay cartoon, puns, cartoon humor blog

Tooper has been quizzing female acquaintances about why they are always so laden-down with shopping bags.

While most described themselves as not serious shoppers, just ‘lovers of a bargain’, Tooper wondered whether there were those amongst them who were kidding themselves.  He contended that, while they may be able to convince themselves that their shopping habits were merely casua, some were teetering on the verge of ‘hard-core’.  In fact, he felt some had been known to plan their assaults on High Street Stores, with a level of precision planning that could only be described as ‘shock and awe’.

In the face of a barrage of protestations, Tooper came up with a simple test.  He asked that they check the following statements and judge for themselves how many they had uttered in the last few weeks … then decide whether they should be termed a shopaholic.

  • ‘At that price I just couldn’t leave it there!’
  • ‘No!  That was for my winter collection … this is for my spring collection.’
  • Yes, but I needed another pair in taupe because then they’ll go with anything!’
  • ‘You know I’ve been so good lately, I thought I’d treat myself…’
  • ‘I bought this for you… and while I was in there, I saw this for me …’
  • Yes, but none of my other handbags have these darling little pockets for my iPhone and lippie!’
  • You know what’s so great about this?  I didn’t know I needed it, until I saw it!’
  • Guess how much?  Go on!  You’ll never guess!’

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Now Amazon Top 50 Humour, our ‘delightful’ romantic comedy, The Great British Date Off

The Body Bonus

by Commy on June 26, 2014

relationship cartoon, wordplay, puns, cartoon humor blog, Dahling-Do-Tell Cartoon

Commy’s friends have been wondering why they never come up with money-making ideas, unlike the person who, no doubt, made millions ‘inventing’ and marketing the blindingly obvious neck-brace.

Somewhat high-handedly, Commy felt obliged to point out that most of the time this had very little to do with true entrepreneurial spirit. Rather, it was more to do with the unique ability (held only by a select band of people, with virtually nothing to lose) to risk what little they do have on some hare-brained scheme.  Some were bound to hit the jackpot and in fact, given the time, inclination and minimal start-up costs, he himself could probably do the same!

Having thrown down the gauntlet, he was unsurprisingly challenged to showcase his own money-making innovations involving the human body but precluding, of course, the most obvious ‘street walker’ or, ‘rough trade’ scenarios.

Never one to baulk, Commy (with a little time and a lot of prompting) came up with what he felt would be sure-fire winners :-

Hair (recyling)

  • HairRaiser.comWig-Makers to the stars.
  • Company MottoOur ‘rugs’ will never be pulled out from under you!

Sperm Donation

  • BabyBoomer.comNo explanation necessary!
  • Company MottoWhy throw the baby out with the bath water?

Womb Rental

  • Womb-n-Board.comSurrogate Services
  • Company Motto – When someone else wants to be left holding the baby.

Blood Donation (US only)

  • SympathyForTheDevil.com -  Blood-Bank Services
  • Company MottoIt’s our job to get blood from a stone!

Urine Samples

  • PissTakers.comSpecial rates for Tour De France participants! (and giving new meaning to the word, re-cycling)
  • Company Motto – Let us make sure you come out smelling of roses!

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COUNTING DOWN TO THE LAUNCH OF OUR FIRST CARTOON, HUMOUR PAPERBACK – THE TROUBLE WITH … RELATIONSHIPS.   COMING SOON!  KEEP CHECKING OUR BOOKS PAGE ABOVE.

The Eyes Have It!

by tooper on June 23, 2014

crime cartoon, optician cartoon, wordplay cartoon, puns, cartoon humor blog

Tooper, as someone who knows and understands the condition known as colour-blindness, has been enlightening his friends on the subject.  Not the negatives, you understand, just the positives.

Whilst there may be those amongst you who are struggling with the concept of finding anything positive in having your career choices severely depleted, Tooper offers some advice.  If you have the condition anyway, why not use it to your advantage?  After all, some of our hunter-gatherer ancestors did; because apparently, being colour-blind meant that you were less likely to be fooled by your prey’s camouflage.

So for those of you sitting smugly in your blissful state of technicolor-full-sightedness, just consider some of the unseen benefits enjoyed by your colour-challenged friends:-

  • You’ll never be called upon as a key witness in a lengthy trial … yes officer, I saw it all.  Oh, what did he look like?  Well, kind of a nondescript sort of guy, shoulder-length mousey hair, dressed in various shades of beige…
  • You’ll never need to fork out for that expensive adrenalin rush inducing moment.  Negotiating any major road junction (with multiple traffic lights) on a bright summer’s day makes driving suddenly seem like the ultimate extreme-sport….hold onto your hat grandma, we’re going through…
  • You can opt out of the whole politically-correct bandwagon (after all, you truly are colour-blind) and say things like … grey people can’t jump!
  • You can look suitably bemused when people come out with sayings like … you must be tickled pink … he’s been black-balled or … he was beaten black and blue…
  • You’ll never be short of female attention.  Just turn up at some social event in horrendously clashing clothes.  When women criticise you for it, put on the little boy lost look and sigh … I can’t help it, I’m colour-blind.   Women love a project.
  • You may be someone’s project but you’ll always have a ready made excuse not to get involved in food shopping/cookery …  sorry honey, this list says you need green peppers, red onions and ripe strawberries … sure you want to risk it?
  • You’ll have an automatic ‘out’ on any discussion of colour-coded wedding attire, bridesmaid dresses and decorating schemes … I’m not really sure I’ll have anything constructive to offer…

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THE TROUBLE WITH RELATIONSHIPS - FEATURING SOME OF OUR BEST CARTOONS AND POSTINGS – COMING SOON IN PAPERBACK AND KINDLE!   WATCH THIS SPACE!

In the meantime, if you like your fictional romances served up with lashings of comedy, check out The Great British Date Off

Good News (plus Apology)

by Commy on June 20, 2014

Hi everyone

First of all, apologies to all of you who receive our latest postings via email and for the freakishly large cartoon.  We’re playing with the images in preparation for our first cartoon book and instead of giving you a better quality image we ended up possibly damaging your eye-sight!  SORRY!  All should return to normal next time.

A Bit About The New Book – The Trouble With Relationships

We’ve gathered together some our best musings on the trials and tribulations of finding (and keeping!) a life-partner in today’s sometimes baffling world and combined them with some of our famous wordplay cartoons.  It will be the first in a series known as The Trouble With ….

Our plan is to make it available in both Paperback and Kindle versions and here is a little cover teaser.

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Next up, The Trouble With … The Battle Of The Sexes!

So, if you ever struggle to come up with a pressie idea for friends who have both a sense of humour and a birthday coming up, all hope is not lost.  We’ll keep you posted!

In the meantime, there is now a PAPERBACK version of our little comedy that is doing really rather well, The Great British Date Off.  Why not add it to your Amazon wish-list now!

Prestigious Or Pretentious?

by Commy on June 19, 2014

cosmetic surgery cartoon, wordplay, puns, cartoon humor blog, Dahling-Do-Tell Cartoon

Commy has been discussing some of the ridiculous ways we find to spend our money, whether it be for cosmetic surgery or for the latest prestigious branded clothing.

Not that he has a problem with the notion of the flaunting of wealth, per se.  After all, there can be very few of us who haven’t enjoyed a little frisson when showing off a quality purchase, especially when it’s to someone who has done their fair share of showing off in the past.  Yet there is something about the whole practice that makes Commy a little uneasy.  Are we really, as the marketers would have us believe, using our best judgement when buying their logo-infested products?

Before adorning yourself in the latest ‘designer label’, he asks you to consider this scenario:-

If you visited your favourite cafe and and paid handsomely for a coffee and pastry and the cafe owner said as you handed over your hard-earned cash, ‘… you know what, you’ve proved that you’re a fan by coming here and buying our products … how about telling everyone how much of a fan you are by wearing this sandwich board extolling our virtues on your way back to the office…’ Commy guesses your reaction would be a rather indignant refusal.  You would probably, if you’re being honest, feel a little insulted because only ‘down-and-outs’ and hard-up students do that sort of thing, right?

Yet, when we are confronted with a similar situation when buying something ‘designer’, how do we react?  Not only do we gladly hand over good money for the privilege of publicly endorsing these brands, we positively glow as it is also wrapped in the company livery.  And, as we proudly parade it through the neighbourhood, what do we charge these companies (with marketing budgets of millions) for using us as their sandwich-boards?  Nothing, that’s what.  Can there be any better example of the marketing man’s ability to exploit our human frailties and vanities?

So, my friends, the next time we watch someone parading up and down in a sandwich-board, before passing judgement let’s promise each other to look down at the logo advertising we are toting for free and ask ourselves, who are the mugs in all this?

At least they’re getting paid!

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COMING SOON! FROM THE WRITERS OF THIS BLOG, OUR NEW BOOK FEATURING CARTOONS AND HUMOUR – THE TROUBLE WITH RELATIONSHIPS.  WATCH THIS SPACE!

In the meantime find time to check out our comedy romance, The Great British Date Off

The Prison Olympics

by tooper on June 16, 2014

sport cartoon, wrestling cartoon, wordplay cartoon, puns, cartoon humor blog

Tooper has been listening to friends discussing the government’s on-going battle with the nation’s obesity.

All agreed that whilst it was no real surprise that the toxic combination of sugar, fast food and indolence had turned most of the population into a bunch of lard-arses, they wondered how the ‘powers that be‘ planned to impose a healthy life-style regime.  Perhaps by enforcing a rigorous fitness and dietary program on the prison population and then extending it to the whole population, they wondered?

Tooper argued that,  for entertainment value alone, the authorities should combine this idea with a new form of Prison Olympics. After all, who knows what ingenious break-out attempts (and block-buster films) it would spawn!  We all remember the late, great Steve McQueen’s failed valiant attempt in The Great Escape, right?

Given the above, here are a few sports that he’s sure the inmates would like included but the Prison Authorities might possibly veto:-

  • Shooting
  • Sailing
  • Archery  … and some of his own favourites
  • Trampolining
  • Ski jumping
  • Pole-Vaulting

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OK!  For all of you who complained that our little comedy was only available on Kindle, the good news is that a paperback version is now available too!

Funny Chick Lit, romcom, The Great British Date Off

So, if you know someone with a sense of humour and a birthday coming up, check out The Great British Date Off on Amazon.

Give the gift of a smile!

Post Relationship Positives

by Commy on June 12, 2014

relationship cartoon, wordplay, puns, cartoon humor blog, Dahling-Do-Tell Cartoon

Commy has been listening to female friends discussing an absent member of their group’s relationship breakdown.

Now, sad as it is to listen to this well-meaning outpouring of sympathy for any heart-broken, abandoned female, Commy made the mistake of wondering aloud if they weren’t doing their friend a dis-service.  After all having been forced to listen over the years to men’s apparent many and varied failings, surely it would be better to focus her mind on some of the positives this enforced separation would undoubtedly bring?

Fixed with more than one icy stare, Commy attempted to back-up his theory by offering one or two light-hearted examples of how much simpler their friend’s life could now be without a man in it.  As you can see from the length of the list below, it wasn’t long before some of the women more than entered into the spirit of things by offering up one or two suggestions of their own:-

  • the ability to set the toilet-seat position permanently
  • freedom from lying about the cost of clothes/shoes shopping purchases
  • the ability to watch endless daytime TV/soaps without interruption/complaint
  • no more competing with computer games/gadgets/football matches for attention
  • no more tide marks of stubble in the sink
  • no more power leg/body and bikini waxing
  • no more being endlessly grateful for any modicum of help with the housework
  • no more truck-loads of alpha-male food purchases, such as  of beer/salty snacks/pizza and plate-size slabs of steak
  • no more purchases of industrial strength toilet paper, air fresheners or Odor-Eaters
  • no-one expecting you to morph into a cross between Florence Nightingale and a Carry-On Nurse at the first hint of a sniffle
  • no more enduring ‘man looks’ for mislaid items, generally culminating (after about ten seconds and a lot of banging, crashing and swearing) with the inevitable, ‘Hon, where’s my …….?’
  • no more checking out your shower cap because it’s invariably been used in the (also inevitable) post-shower ‘willy-warmer’ visual joke routine
  • no-one telling you to calm the f*ck down!

Commy wonders if perhaps one or two of these may have been festering for some considerable time!

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Not long to go now before the first of our paperbacks (featuring The Commytooper Blog’s unique take on life, love and laughter … and cartoons!) is available.  Watch this space!

In the meantime check out our little comedy romance The Great British Date Off on Kindle.  It’s charting for #Humour/Humor