THE GREAT BRITISH DATE OFF

Divorcing With The Stars!

by Commy on April 24, 2014

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Commy has been listening to friends discussing the thorny subject of divorce.

Why is it, they wondered, that so many couples are left with an overwhelming sense of anti-climax when formal notification of a decree absolute comes through?  That there is nothing to mark the end of all their hopes, dreams and expectations; not even a medal!

Commy believes there should indeed be some form of symbolic ceremony to mark the end of any marital union and wonders whether, in this world of celebrity ‘throw-away’ marriages, Reality TV is missing a trick.  After all, if there is a vast industry centred around the role of The Wedding Planner, shouldn’t there be another, marking that equally important (and now almost de riguer), other rite of passage;  The Celebrity Divorce?

So, for the next big thing on TV, Commy proposes, The Divorce Planner.  Who wouldn’t want to see a show featuring the following:-

Decree Nisi – Re-Calling The Banns

  • Where both parties signal their intention to divorce and start the auction process for selling their ‘my divorce hell’ stories to the tabloids.

The Morning Of The Decree Absolute – The Divorce Breakfast

  • Formal return of crap wedding gifts to family and friends
  • Family and friends give speeches revealing why ‘they always knew it would end in tears’
  • Mudslinging contest involving both mothers-in-law degenerating into unseemly brawl involving both clans

The Afternoon Of the Decree Absolute - The Divorce ‘Ceremony’

  • Family and friends enter the divorce ‘chapel’ and, when asked by the ushers, ‘Bride or Groom?’, choose whose ‘side’ they’re taking.
  • To the question, ‘Do you reject this man/woman as your lawfully wedded husband/wife?’ the bride and groom reply ‘I do,’ before being formally stripped of their weddings bands.
  • Groom returns bride to her father/Bride returns Groom to his mother (with extreme force!).
  • End of the ceremony is formally marked by the Chaplain saying, ‘I now declare you ex-husband and ex-wife … you may now diss the Bride.’

Now that’s what Commy calls entertainment!

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Can you spare a moment to tell your friends about us?  

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Tooper and friends have been comparing and contrasting public holidays.

Whilst most agreed that Christmas (the seasonal break that combines a sense of anticipation together with a general feeling of goodwill and bonhomie) would probably be guaged to be most popular, Tooper (as ever) begged to differ.  He argued that for any break from the treadmill that is modern-day life to be considered successful, surely it must be both mellow and stress-free?  And, if that is the case, maybe people should look no further than Easter.

He offered the following reasoning :-

  1. The Weather – It’s better … usually.
  2. It’s Longer – The clue is in the name … Easter Sunday.  It’s always part of a weekend; unlike Christmas!
  3. No Deluge Of Cards – Let’s be honest, if you do receive one, it’s a surprise.  And you don’t feel that overpowering need to reciprocate.
  4. No Gift Buying Stress – Surely the easiest situation of all.  No listening out for subtle pressie hints … no keeping of receipts for refunds … all you need to do is buy chocolate.  Lots of it.  Everyone’s a winner!
  5. No Seasonal Music – So far as I’m aware no-one has recorded a compilation CD with such seasonal favourites as  … ‘all I want for Easter, is you’ (presumably because people prefer chocolate?) OR … ‘Easter Bunny’s coming to town …’
  6. No Office Easter Parties – Humiliating yourself in front of (or with) the Boss once a year, is quite enough for anyone.
  7. No Forced Family Fun – No three line whip for this festival.
  8. No Over-Indulgence -  Christmas is a 2 week gorge-fest of guilt and gluttony while Easter is a long weekend and anyway, chocolate doesn’t count, right?
  9. No Novelty Presents – As yet, no novelty ‘it’s Spring and my sap’s rising’ boxers or Easter Bunny ties.
  10. No TV Specials – What would be the Easter equivalent of those chunky winter-knits anyway?

When you think about it, it’s really no contest, is it?

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Like the ‘cut of our jib’?  Then we have a litle comedy for you to check out -  The Great British Date Off.  It’s now charting on Kindle/Humour!

Extreme Golf

by Commy on April 17, 2014

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Commy and friends have been discussing boring TV sports and, without putting too fine a point on it … golf!

Whilst there will be many who wax lyrical about golf’s special camaraderie, scenic back-drops and steely hand-eye co-ordination, there are other, more cynical observers, who maintain that its unpopularity with large sections of the ‘true’ sporting fraternity has more to do with its cost, its elitist reputation and its own special breed of golfing bores …‘have I told you about the nightmare I had on the back nine today?’

Commy maintains that the golfing authority’s problems don’t end there.  For many already cynical youngsters, who know golf only through its coma-inducing TV coverage, can there be anything less inspiring than the present breed of tank-top/comedy-trouser wearing automatons that make up The Tour?  Guys who, while sinking yet another championship winning putt and pocketing millions in sponsorship deals, barely register a flicker of emotion … let alone crack a smile.

Commy therefore proposes that, in order to engage a new, younger audience,  a new team spectator sport should be considered for broadcast …  Extreme Golf.   TV Companies take note!

The Concept

Now – Pringle sweaters, lack-lustre personalities and polite applause
Extreme Golf – Think Ryder Cup, Kiawah 1991 (War On The Shore) meets Gladiator!

Player Behaviour After Winning

Now – Cursory, non-eye-contact hug for caddy followed by awkward photo-op with bawling offspring.
Extreme Golf – Fist-pumping, goal-scoring-type celebration meets John (you cannot be serious) McEnroe in his belligerent heyday!

The Attire

Now – Think John Daly/Ian Poulter (with an honourable mention for Rory McIlroy and his formidable ‘harpo’ hair/hat combo).
Extreme Golf – Think tribal team strips … or even battle fatigues and face camouflage!

The Galleries

Now- Respectful, knowledgeable,  ‘brolly and pac-a-mac’ toting golf-club committee members and their grandchildren.
Extreme Golf – A partisan baying rabble (think Houses of Parliament after a liquid lunch!).

The Game

Now – The long-awaited cure for insomnia
Extreme Golf - Pulsating four-play involving the following minor rule changes :-

  • The Rough to actually mean Rough! – may involve hazards such as snakes, reptiles or even (depending on the poorness of the shot) snipers!
  • Bunkers that are not so much bunkers as fox holes – i.e. may contain that odd Iraq war vet!
  • One other rule change is still under review; the ‘can I get relief from that?’ rule.  Several proposals are under consideration however Commy wishes it to remain clear that while he appreciates TV companies may wish to introduce an element of sexual tension, he would like this programme to be considered purely family entertainment.

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Don’t forget to check out our comedy The Great British Date Off.  It’s charting for Kindle/Humour!

Dream Job

by tooper on April 14, 2014

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Tooper and friends have been contemplating some of the more unusual jobs they have seen advertised.

Of the many put forward as ‘unusual’ the one that really caught Tooper’s interest was the position of Sex Therapist.  Where would such a job be advertised, he wondered, and how would someone go about applying for it?  And furthermore, if there  are such interesting career paths available, why did this one never merit a mention during the interminably boring Careers Advice sessions he was  forced to endure while at school?

Before deciding whether to make a drastic career U-turn, here are a few points on the application procedure he would like clarified:-

  1. What would be the minimum entry requirements?  (presumably virgins need not apply?)
  2. Would there be a restriction on the number of referees who could confirm your suitability for the course?
  3. Is there a specific dress-code for the interview?
  4. Would the interview involve role-play?
  5. Would there be performance-related pay?
  6. Would previous relevant ‘on the job‘ experience count towards any qualification?
  7. Would there be a test at the end of the probationary period … and if so, would it involve an oral?

Breach Of Promise

by Commy on April 10, 2014

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Commy has been listening to friends discussing the old fashioned notion of ‘breach of promise’.  Can you imagine the fortune to be made by the legal profession and their clients, they mused, if people could sue for such a thing these days? And, on a more general point, where will all this money-grabbing litigiousness end?

As ever, Commy took the contrary view, believing it is far too late to put the ‘no-win-no-fee’ genie back into the bottle.   Aren’t victims, injured by someone else’s thoughtlessness, entitled to more than a paracetamol and ‘tea and sympathy’?  How many of us, when faced with the prospect of an unexpected financial windfall, would take the higher ground and banish these ‘ambulance chasers’ from our doors?

In fact, he actively looked forward to a day when all of us might have some recourse to  put right some of the emotional wrongs we suffered during our formative years.  And, if the responsible people were held accountable, who knows?  Future generations may one day thank us for saving them their share of mental anguish!

Commy lists below some of his immediate family who may well be receiving a summons:-

  • Big Brother – for all those Chinese burns and wedgies…and for posting that YouTube clip you secretly filmed of me playing air guitar.
  • Big Sister – for using me to practice your extreme Goth make up skills and for having extremely noisy, cheap jewellery at the dinner table.
  • Granny  – for always starting a new conversation just as I was about to go to the bathroom and for loudly reading aloud numbers while punching them into the phone.
  • Grandad – for forcing me to join you in ‘liberating’ all those ‘free’ sachets of sugar, salt, ketchup to add to the enormous stash you kept in your secret Tupperware box.
  • Uncle- for always snorting when you laughed and for looking over my shoulder while I was on the computer, hoping to catch me watching ‘porn’.
  • Aunt – for calling all my friends ‘babe‘ and ‘hon‘ and doing ‘The Bump‘ at every family wedding since 1980.
  • Parents Jointly – for getting us a family dog and then referring to yourselves (in front of friends) as ‘mummy’ and ‘daddy’ at feeding and walking times.
  • Dad – for blowing your nose (extremely loudly) at the dinner table and for forcing us to attend candle-lit vigils at your ‘DIY Gracelands garden memorial’ every anniversary of The King’s death.
  • Mum – for making us take off our shoes before entering the house, and for ALWAYS pulling up on the wrong side of a petrol pump.

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Funny Chick Lit, romcom, The Great British Date Off The Great British Date Off – Now charting on Amazon/Humour!

‘Courtship, comedy … and cake!’

‘The Great British Bake Off meets Only Fools And Horses!’

Budget Thrills

by tooper on April 7, 2014

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Tooper has been listening to friends expressing their wish to take part in the dubious practice of bungee-jumping.

What is it with people and their death -wishes, he wonders?  As if things aren’t bad enough, (what with The Financial Crisis, budget cuts and Justin Bieber and all) people still feel the inclination to cling  to some flimsy platform, attached only to what really amounts to an over-sized elastic band, before throwing themselves screaming into the void (and then posting the footage on YouTube – so last year!).

But what about those who can’t afford to travel to New Zealand or some exotic location for their near-death experience, Tooper asks? Surely there are simpler, more economical ways of experiencing the same dangerous thrill a little closer to home?

Here are a few of his budget suggestions:-

  • why not scratch out the consume-by dates on a few prawn sandwiches, leave one of them on a sunny window sill and then invite some friends round to play Ecoli roulette?
  • or, answer truthfully when a middle aged woman asks you to guess her age
  • or, go to a Gordon Ramsay restaurant and ask for a bottle of ketchup
  • or, attempt to jump the queue at the Post Office … on pension day.
  • OR if you’re really tired of living … offer to accompany Piers Morgan to the next NRA convention.

The Relationship Summit

by Commy on April 3, 2014

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Commy has been listening to friends discussing the causes of marital disharmony (joint bank accounts included) and the seemingly never-ending The Battle of The Sexes.

Even in prehistoric times, they wondered whether Joe Neanderthal, (after a hard day’s sabre-tooth-tiger hunting) trudged home disconsolately complaining to his fellow cavemen that he really wasn’t looking forward to hearing (in minute detail) about  Jane Neanderthal‘s problems back at the cave; while Jane and her compatriots (as their other-halves slept off their BBQ brunches) bemoaned the fact that a cave-woman’s work was never done!  Fast forward and even in these so-called enlightened times, they pointed out that any cursory look at the internet will attest to the strength of feeling that accompanies the ‘he/she does not understand what I have to go through‘ scenarios.

So, Commy asked, why has no-one ever tried to draw up some sort of peace-treaty in this never ending war of attrition … or at the very least, a ceasefire?

And so it was that Commy, using a standard treaty format (and awash with bonhomie, common sense and mutual respect) decided to try to thrash out what he hoped would become to be known as the groundbreaking, 2014 Male/Female Accord while at the same time, putting those Middle East negotiators to shame.

Here are the results:-

  • BORDERS/BOUNDARIES  (formal designation of)Agreement was reached on physical boundaries (off limit bathroom times/sexual positions etc) but The Joes struggled with the whole concept of emotional boundaries.  Reluctantly agreed to return to this at a later date after being persuaded by The Janes to read Men Are From Mars etc…
  • DISPUTES (process for resolving future)Broke down at a tears versus arm wrestling impasse.
  • RESOURCES (access to and apportionment of)No agreement reached on what constituted a necessity/luxury.  More specifically handbags v computer games.
  • DEBTS (settling of existing debts) Unable to reach a consensus due to gambling and store card debts being deemed a personal rather than joint liability.
  • BEHAVIOUR  (defining of proscribed behaviour)Time restrictions and overly extensive lists (by both The Joes and The Janes) meant that this subject needed it’s own summit.  Both sides asked to go away and consider withdrawing specifics such as relationship time-outs, watching of chick flick movies, weight gain, farting in bed etc

Talks broke down without agreement. No time scale has yet been set for a resumption.

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Now, check out our little comedy, The Great British Date Off.  You know you want to!

Alarm Bells

by tooper on March 31, 2014

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Tooper and friends have been discussing how best to start the day.

While most people lauded the arrival of the digital alarm, Tooper worried that the inclusion of the fiendishly tempting snooze button had turned us into a nation of sloths.  How could we expect to be a nation of ‘go-getters‘  he argued, when, faced with the first difficult decision of the day, we simply opt to hit that snooze button?

Whilst mumbling in agreement, some of Tooper’s friends wondered why it was however, that with the arrival of house-guests they happily laughed in the face of the snooze button; springing from their beds at the first hint of birdsong.  Then were usually left sitting (scrubbed, refreshed and admittedly, slightly miffed) at the head of a groaning breakfast table, wondering when their house-guests might deign to put in an appearance!

Tooper helpfully put forward his own tried and tested methods for guaranteeing overnighters at Tooper’s Towers emerge before midday:-

  • Try the Native American ‘natural alarm’ by encouraging guests to imbibe copious amounts of liquid the night before in the full and certain knowledge they will need to be first to the bathroom in the morning (particularly effective for males over 40, apparently).
  • Who can resist the smell of bacon cooking?

But what about those who require carpet-bombing to shift them?  A few more hard-core suggestions:-

  • Stage an excessively noisy sex session in the adjoining bedroom
  • Re-organise (and colour categorise) your glass recycling bin
  • Invest in a set of bagpipes
  • Play a catchy tune on the piano … but cunningly leave off the last note! (surprisingly effective for teenagers this one!)

and if all else fails…

  • Play the same James Blunt track over and over … and over again!

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Musical Bent

by Commy on March 27, 2014

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Tooper’s friends have been discussing people who believe they have a ‘musical bent; in particular, those who turn up for TV talent show auditions.

Whilst maintaining he is not particularly a fan of the genre, Tooper does harbour a sneaking admiration for the vast majority of the people who, although not particularly blessed in the voice department, seem to have tapped into a level of self-belief not seen since Samantha Brick first hit puberty.  Surely, he argues, it takes guts to put yourself out there and still believe, (in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary and the fact you are being physically ejected from the building), that you are as dazzlingly talented as you think you are.

Even so, he does agree with his friends that there are certain types of auditioning singers who are guaranteed to start him fumbling for the mute button.

  • The Vocal Gymnast  -  Someone who seemingly cannot hold a note without dragging you off on the equivalent of a vocal roller-coaster ride of such manic prop0rtions that should it ever be attempted at an Olympic event, dope testers would be demanding a urine sample. (think, Mariah Carey …on steroids!)
  • The Mean and Moody Vocalist  – Someone (usually white and middle class) who inexplicably, in the middle of their song, inserts a rap verse! (think, Chris Martin …meets Eminem)
  • The Sex God Vocalist – Someone who, when interviewed prior to their ‘spot’, sports a fairly tragic regional accent; then when the music strikes up, suddenly morphs into a lounge lizard.  It’s no longer ‘yes, baby‘ but ‘yeah, babeh’.  It’s no longer ‘sweet love’ but ‘sweet lerve’. (think, James Blunt …meets Barry White)
  • The Eunuch Vocalist – Someone who appears to be constantly singing at the very top of their vocal range (think, man undergoing a prostate examination OR … Michael Bolton)

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Don’t forget to check out our comedy The Great British Date Off.  Now charting on Amazon UK Humour/Relationships

Bird Brain

by tooper on March 24, 2014

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Tooper and friends have been giving some thought to the Buddhist theory of reincarnation.

More specifically they wondered; if people were to be re-incarnated as a type of bird, what would they choose to be?

Whilst there were those amongst Tooper’s (so called) friends that rather unkindly suggested that, given his love of a good moan, there was the distinct possibility he would be spending at least one of his future lives as a grouse, others proposed a few celebrity reincarnations:-

  • PenguinCharlie Chaplin
  • Bearded TitSusan Boyle
  • CuckooBritney Spears
  • HawkDonald Rumsfeld
  • SparrowJohnny Depp
  • MockingbirdJoan Rivers
  • VultureBernie Madoff
  • SwiftUsain Bolt
  • OwlThe founder of Twitter … twoo…
  • GannetAdele

Tooper hopes he has earned some brownie points for his restraint in not including suggestions for any of the following: Boobies, Swallows, Great Tits and Shags

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