THE GREAT BRITISH DATE OFF

Unworthy Windfalls

by tooper on September 1, 2014

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Tooper’ s friends have been bemoaning the numbers of undeserving who benefit from unexpected financial windfalls while playing the National Lottery.

How many times, they argued, have we heard tales of hapless winners blowing their fortunes on mansions, fast cars and even faster women, only to emerge months later shocked, penniless and relying on handouts?  At the very minimum, they contended, people should be vetted at the ticket point of sale to determine their suitably to be left in sole charge of massive tax-free sums.

Tooper felt very strongly that this idea needed to be taken a step further and that those in charge of ticket selling booths had a duty to the rest of us to weed out those they felt would be unworthy winners.

In fact, rather in the manner of the airport checking-in procedure, he gives below questions to which he would require answers before issuing any ticket:-

  • Have you ever attended, or considered attending, a fan convention … in costume?
  • Have you ever (even though I swerved to avoid you) followed me doggedly for the purpose of conducting a survey and/or give me a flyer?
  • Have you ever considered (even though you are middle class … and white) growing your hair in dreadlocks?
  • Have you ever (as a Brit) used the words  ‘dude‘  or ‘sister‘?
  • Have you ever answered a Daytime-TV brain-numbingly-stupid telephone question (at exorbitant cost) in order to attempt to win a Toyota Yaris?
  • Have you ever finished your turn at the Post Office/Bank Counter, moved away and then when others (i.e. me) have taken up residence, returned to invade my space at the minimal perspex communication gap … because you forgot to buy a stamp?
  • Do you intend to remain unchanged by your lottery win, stay working as an abattoir operative, (because you would miss the camaraderie) while living quietly in your newly bought (ex-council) semi before leaving your inheritance to the local Cat Sanctuary?

Answer yes to any, or all of the above and you can step away from the line!

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BlogBookFrontCoverSmOK folks, it’s finally here!  The first of our paperbacks, The Trouble With Relationships, based on our wordplay cartoons and humour postings is now available! Go to our Books Section or click this link to take a peak.

 

GOODREADS GIVEAWAY!

by Commy on August 29, 2014

The Great British Date Off has always been available in Kindle (thank you guys and gals for pushing it into the humour charts!) but now we’ve made it available in paperback!

We’re also offering you the chance to win a free copy, either for you or to gift to a friend.  Enter simply by clicking on the Goodreads link below.  Good luck and don’t forget to share with your friends! :-

 

Goodreads Book Giveaway

The Great British Date Off by Sheila Brady

The Great British Date Off

by Sheila Brady

Giveaway ends September 12, 2014.

See the giveaway details
at Goodreads.

Enter to win

 

Marriages Made In Heaven?

by Commy on August 28, 2014

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Commy has been commiserating with female friends about the vagaries of the surname lottery facing women when they marry.

Surely, he argued, there must have been occasions where women baulked at the prospect of marriage when realisation of her likely new married name dawned?  Could love really be expected to conquer all if, having fallen deeply under the spell of some handsome young buck and dreamt of bearing his beautiful children, this poor unsuspecting female is expected to shed her comfortable and familiar name for one that would forever make her the butt of other peoples’ jokes?

Asked for some examples, Commy provided the following in the form of formal introductions being made by the host at a very high-powered dinner party:-

  • this is our expert on twentieth century synthetic materials, Dr Ester and his wife, Polly
  • these are our experts on writing a bestseller, Mr Turner and his wife, Paige
  • these are our experts on policing and the judiciary, Mr Norder and his wife, Laura
  • these are our experts on extreme tourism and just back from Afghanistan, Mr Back and his wife, Helen
  • these are our experts in sleep deprivation, Mr Noreing and his wife, Constance
  • this is our expert in conspicuous consumption, Mr Ferrari and his wife, Iona
  • this is our expert in embarrassing medical conditions, Mr Roydes and his wife, Emma
  • these are our experts in classic Chippendale furniture, Mr Teake and his wife, Anne
  • this is our expert in trauma counselling, Mr Payne and his wife, Ophelia
  • these are our experts in cheap entertainment for the masses, Mr Oakey and his wife, Carrie
  • these are our experts from the National Weather Centre, Mr Force and his wife, Gayle
  • these are our experts on dangerous reptiles, Mr Konda and his wife, Anna

and last but by no means least…

  • our experts in stock and animal fencing, Mr Dwyer and his wife, Barb

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Elevator Hater

by tooper on August 25, 2014

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Tooper has been listening to friends mocking his tendency to take the stairs, rather than use the lift.

Pointing out that anyone who didn’t feel a little uneasy while choosing to risk life and limb by stepping into a metal box suspended high above the ground held only by a steel cable, should really be questioning their own sanity and not his, Tooper wished to make it clear that this preference was based purely on some of the more awkward lift journeys he had been forced to endure in the past.

Pressed to give some examples, he asked that they imagine the following scenario; the lift has answered your call, the doors have opened and you’ve stepped inside. You’re on your own so you’ve got time to prepare yourself for every eventually, from choosing your floor to locating the emergency button. Just to be on the safe side you’ve tucked yourself out of harm’s way by the control panel. Then, just as the doors are finally closing, there’s the sound of rapid footsteps, a muffled cry, and as the doors finally clatter to a close, you realise one of the following has breathlessly stumbled in beside you:-

  • The Neanderthal – to whom you just gave ‘the finger’ after narrowly avoiding a road rage incident in the car park
  • Your Boss -  after taking a ‘sickie’ and swearing you were practically comatose at home
  • The School Bully – whose Facebook account you hacked when you finally thought it was safe
  • The Block Nutter – who’s trying to make eye contact while confiding, ‘this is the only place THEY can’t listen in!’
  • The Ex – whose engagement you broke off two weeks before the wedding

and horror of horrors…

  • Her parents

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Funny Chick Lit, romcom, The Great British Date Off  ‘The Great British Bake Off meets Only Fools and Horses’

  THE GREAT BRITISH DATE OFF

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Tales Of The Riverbank

by Commy on August 21, 2014

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In these fast paced, high pressure times, Tooper had been wondering aloud whether he should consider a stress busting hobby when a friend helpfully suggested fishing.

A little concerned that this previously seemingly normal individual had suddenly morphed into a fishing evangelist; Tooper allowed himself to be persuaded that a little night fishing might be ‘just the ticket’.  Apparently all he needed to calm his troubled urban soul was to spend a night clinging to a muddy river bank dangling a pole into dark swirling waters while listening to nothing but the stillness of it all.  Egged on by fellow volunteers and alcohol, while ignoring a growing knot of anxiety, Tooper heard himself declaring gamely,  ‘Count me in.’

So it was with profound misgivings that he found himself stumbling through undergrowth at midnight, setting up camp in what appeared to be ‘midge heaven’ and having his mobile confiscated.  What Tooper would later refer to as his ‘longest night’ became something of a watershed.

If nothing else it proved to him that :-

  • it is indeed always darkest just before dawn
  • toilet tissue can never …ever… be considered a luxury item
  • a watched pot tips over when it boils
  • absence really does make the heart grow fonder … when it comes to your own bed and hot food … and …
  • fishing bait probably is the spawn of the devil

Cool Hand Toop

by tooper on August 18, 2014

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Tooper and friends have been wondering what it would be like to share a prison cell.

After all, isn’t enforced incarceration in unnaturally cramped living conditions bad enough without being forced to co-habitate, they mused?  And then when you factor in the communal (and no doubt, limited) toilet facilities, it really doesn’t bear thinking about, does it?

Added to that would be the full and certain knowledge that prison authorities are highly unlikely to be making too much of an effort at matchmaking you with a kindred spirit.  Even if you were lucky enough to avoid sharing with the block ‘neanderthal’, chances are you’d still be spending every waking (and sleeping) moment, with someone whose personality (and personal hygiene) failings would normally send you running for the hills.

Tooper lists a few of his other nightmare cell-mate scenarios:-

  • anyone relentlessly cheery who greets every interminable afternoon with, ‘I spy, with my little  …’
  • anyone with sinus problems, who power snorts every thirty seconds!
  • anyone who told the same joke over and over; even before becoming your cell-mate!
  • anyone who eats what little food you have managed to secretly stash away, loudly and with their mouths open
  • anyone who casually drops into the conversation, ‘Have I told you I’m thinking of devoting my life to Jesus?’
  • anyone who insists it helps them concentrate by reading aloud … very slowly!
  • anyone who when you finally crack and point out how deeply annoying they are, replies, ‘You’re obviously stressed so I won’t take that personally.’
  • anyone who, on a bad day, suggests,  ‘Would it help if I held you?’

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Don’t forget to check out our books section!  We’ve got news of all our current and upcoming funny books.

Cunning Contraception

by Commy on August 14, 2014

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Commy and friends were recently transfixed by a fascinating insight (given by one of his more studious female counterparts) into the history of contraception.

It appears that in more recent times, the origins of the female oestrogen pill can be traced back to sheep!  Apparently it  was developed when scientists noticed that sheep grazing in fields of clover conceived less.  Having said that, Commy felt obliged to point out that other experiments had produced exactly opposite results.  Although admittedly they were conducted with women/nightclubs and Bacardi Breezers!

Whilst commending the ingenuity of women who had come up with some remarkable (and frankly ingenious) experiments in the pessary department (involving, would you believe, scooped out half lemons and pomegranates!), Commy knew it was only a matter of time before MAN’S contributions was questioned.

Forced to come up with some examples of how men have actively taken their share of responsibility, the best he could manage at short notice is as follows, together with some of the comments his suggestions provoked:-

  • Didn’t renaissance man use sausage skins as condoms?  Thus creating the ultimate banger?
  • Then there was Coitus InterruptusFor men with an iron will…if you’ll pardon the expression!
  • That old favourite and beloved choice of the Catholic Church, the Rhythm Methodbut, judging by the birth rate of Catholic countries, not seen as particularly effective. Q:   ‘What do you call people who practice the rhythm method?   A:  Parents.
  • And in more recent times, The Vasectomy – Surely modern man’s ultimate sacrifice?  Only to be undertaken after a major discussion with the family!  Although admittedly the man is usually out-voted fifteen to one!

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Counting down to the launch of The Trouble with Relationships.  Watch this space!

Graffiti Greats!

by tooper on August 11, 2014

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Tooper and friends have been musing on the money to be made from street art and graffiti.

After all, they argued, if someone like Banksy can make a fortune by creating such a hype around a ‘they seek him here, they seek him there‘ elusive persona and spray-paining stencils on walls, surely we should all be getting in on the act?

Tooper wonders if they aren’t being a little over ambitious.  Whilst conceding that in principle, it did indeed appear to be easy money there were two very important factors they had failed to take into account: talent and the local constabulary.  Even if his friends did remotely possess a modicum of the first, did they really think the authorities would take kindly to an army of aerosol waving chancers defacing public property in the dead of night?

Having said that, he did come up with a few graffiti messages he would definitely love to post before being carted off to the local nick :-

  • USE REAR ENTRANCEat the local family planning clinic
  • SIT!  STAY! - inside the waiting room at the Vets
  • I SOUPORT PUBLIK EDEKASHUN - outside the local university
  • IF THE MEEK SHALL INHERIT THE EARTH, WHY AREN’T WE CONTESTING THE WILL? – outside the local church
  • push! Push! PUSH! – above the door at the local maternity unit
  • GREAT PLACE TO TAKE A LEAK -  outside your local plumbers
  • IS THE WRITING ON THE WALL FOR GRAFFITI ARTISTS -just about anywhere!

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 Yes, we know we’ve said it before but it really is coming soon!

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The Relationship Talk

by Commy on August 7, 2014

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Commy and friends have been sympathising with one of their young male acquaintances who has been told by his partner that they need to have the ‘relationship talk’.

Is there anything more designed to provoke feelings of mortal dread amongst male seasoned veterans than hearing those words, they wondered? After all, how many men have wandered naively into what they thought would be just a cosy conversation ‘a deux’ only to find they were undergoing an interrogation of such white-heat emotional intensity that a brush with the CIA (involving Homeland Security, rendition and water-boarding) would have seemed like a walk in the park by comparison?

Commy remembers holding up pretty well initially during his own experience of ‘the talk’ until he was tricked into admitting they had indeed reached a ‘sexual comfort zone’. Thereafter, as the inquisition dragged on into the wee small hours he distinctly remembers losing the will to live.

So, to any of his young counterparts, who at the three hour point may find themselves wilting (or god forbid, actually dropping off) he offers the following tried and tested excuses:-

  • ‘OK, I admit my eyes were closed momentarily but that is actually how I concentrate!’
  • ‘Someone must have given me decaf by mistake!’
  • ‘I’m not asleep, I’m just imagining a rather special moment from our honeymoon…’
  • ‘When I volunteered to give blood they warned me this might happen!’

and if you are actually prodded awake (with your head on the table, drooling…)

  • ‘I was actually practicing picking up one of my contact lenses … hands free…’

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The Great British Bake Off meets Only Fools and Horses!

Funny Chick Lit, romcom, The Great British Date Off

 Check out our little comedy, The Great British Date Off 

 

… it’s charting on Kindle humour and makes a great summer read!

 

Keeping eBay at Bay

by tooper on August 4, 2014

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Tooper has been listening to friends boasting about some of the bargains they have managed to pick up on eBay.

While most reported the usual been there, done that’ (got rid of most of my unwanted tat before replacing it with similar) scenario, others seemed quite content to continue buying what appeared to be (from the prices quoted) either stolen or counterfeit products.

Having listened to some of them spouting incessantly during the economic crisis about blatant profiteering by multi-nationals, Tooper wondered whether in fact they weren’t guilty of a little hypocrisy.  After all, he argued, by supporting this bastion of the capitalist ethos where,  ‘everything has a price’,  (including apparently, someone’s virginity!), were they not becoming Power-Sellers of their own high-minded principles, he wondered?

Having no such qualms himself, Tooper has put together a list of items (and sellers) he looks forward to bidding for on Ebay:-

  • Shoes – varying sizes and not necessarily pairsGeorge Bush
  • Cream leather couch with slight damage/scuff marksTom Cruise
  • Box of Havana cigars (one missing)Bill Clinton
  • Vial of blood with necklace (unwanted gift) - Angelina Jolie
  • Set of golf clubs (some slightly damaged)Tiger Woods
  • One wedding ring (as new) - Russell Brand
  • One pig and one lipstick (will sell separately) - Sarah Palin
  • Various off-white wedding dresses (only worn once) Jennifer Lopez
  • Bottle of jet-black hair dye with matching chest wig PLUS various items of ladies lingerieTom Jones