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It’s Beyond Our Control Jim

by Commy on December 15, 2014

Hi Everyone

Profuse apologies but due to circumstances beyond our control we are not able to do our normal Commytooper postings and musings this week. This is the first time ever  that we cannot bring you the sideways look at life according to Tommy and Cooper, as well as the Cartoon girls and boys.

Check back for progress but in the meantime please feel free to have a good look back through the archives. Commy and Tooper have always had an opinion that’s worth reading and of course our original cartoons are wordplay puns at their finest.

See you all again very shortly.

The Commytooper team

 

 

 

Lottery Of Life

by Commy on December 11, 2014

diet cartoon, Dahling Do Tell cartoon, wordplay cartoon, puns, cartoon humor blog

Commy has been pondering on the twist of fate that dictates the family people are born into.  Because at no point does anyone get a choice about the physical traits they inherit, do they?   Aren’t we all simply handed a fait accompli!

Sadly, we also feel sure that at some point, well meaning and inordinately proud fathers have probably been flashing baby photos around the office, oblivious to the hidden messages in the desperately positive comments coming from colleagues.  ‘He really does have your hair/teeth/ears‘, they agree non specifically.  Which would of course, be fine if father’s hair/teeth/ears were not respectively: frizzy, protruding and sticky outy!

Commy feels that it is only when people reach their teenage years, that the true extent of the unfairness of it all really hits home.  When they survey their congenitally squat, lanky, or ‘sturdy’ fellow family members and realise that in the gene pool lottery of life, fate has dealt them, not the winning ticket they were hoping for, but only a discarded scratchcard.  So that no matter how much they scrimp and save, workout or diet, they will never ever come close to making that shortlist for celebrity abs/rear of the year.

So, how do these also-rans console themselves, Commy wonders?  Hard as it may be to pull some positives out of this frankly unjust situation, he has made a valiant effort:-

  • They get to marry for love.  Because let’s face it, what multi-millionaire/ess is suddenly going to give them the option to do otherwise, right?
  • There’s no pressure to pass on the perfect gene to their offspring.  After all, no midwife will ever look at their newborn, ask who the parents are and visibly wince.  Instead they will simply hand over the baby ‘clone’ and say, ‘this child is obviously yours’.
  • No-one is ever likely to sell a ‘kiss and tell’ story to the tabloids about them.
  • They can save a fortune on all those painful but necessary waxing, plucking, botox or liposuction treatments required to keep the ‘lucky ones’ all buffed up and pristine
  • They get to grow old gracefully and never get asked to sponsor retirement communities and/or Stannah Lifts standing next to a cardboard cut-out of them in their ‘glorious heyday’.

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Recognise this everyday food-prep problem?  Check out the simple solution on Kickstarter

Great Food Groups

by tooper on December 8, 2014

food cartoon, wordplay cartoon, puns, cartoon humor blog

Tooper and friends have been discussing two of their favourite topics: rock groups and food.

And, during a late-night alcohol fuelled conversation, as these things usually do, it turned into a challenge to come up with a composite list of ‘rock groups as food’ list.

Now whilst Tooper applauded some of the more obvious suggestions; Bread, Meatloaf, Cream and The Black-Eyed Peas etc, he felt that, having picked off some very lowest hanging fruit, a little more imagination and effort was required to ‘push the envelope’.

Here are some of the suggestions he felt deserving of a mention:-

  • Limp Bizkit
  • Foo(d) Fighters
  • Mango Jerry
  • Ma(ca)roon 5
  • Cod Stewart
  • Wings (BBQ’d obviously)
  • Fleetwood (Big) Mac
  • Bon(bon) Jovi
  • (S)mashing Pumpkins
  • Martha and the (English) Muffins …

…and two of his own personal favourites…

  • The Rolling Scones
  • Buns & Roses

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Love cooking but not the food prep?  Check out our little helper on  Kickstarter

Co-habitee Compatibility Test

by Commy on December 4, 2014

relationship cartoon, wordplay, puns, cartoon humor blog, Dahling-Do-Tell Cartoon

Commy and friends have been discussing whether the powers that be should compile a mandatory compatibility test for couples wishing to embark on the difficult journey that is cohabitation.

Now much as Commy agrees that soaring relationship breakdown rates are to be avoided at all costs, he also firmly believes that any test that shines a full unflinching beam on a couple’s differences would be very much like the infamous Zustava Yugo car.  A definite non-starter.  After all, didn’t someone once say,’ isn’t it better to know as little as possible of the defects of the person with whom you are about to pass your life?’

Using the seven most ‘toxic’ topics for causing marital disharmony, Commy gives below a few examples:-

FINANCES

  • Her:  ‘I have a little nest egg put by and we hope to invest in some ISA’s and take out a private pension plan in the future.’
  • Him:  Can I afford to renew both my football season ticket and gym membership without cutting into my poker winnings?

CHILDREN (given that the estimated cost of raising one to adulthood is currently £200,000 plus)

  • Her : ‘One of each would be nice.’ 
  • Him:  ‘HOW MUCH?  Couldn’t we make do with one and split the difference on a Ferrari?’

HOUSEHOLD RESPONSIBILITIES

  • Her:  ‘We share everything.’
  • Him:  ‘Household responsibilities?  You mean like remembering the alarm code?’

SEX & INTIMACY

  • Her: ‘He’s so sweet … sometimes he just wants to hold me.’
  • Him: ‘OK, the game’s finished …’

RELIGION/SPIRITUALITY

  • Her:  ‘I could never marry a man who didn’t share and respect my spirituality.’
  • Him:  ‘What do you mean, watching sport is not a spiritual experience!’

FRIENDS & FAMILY

  • Her:  ‘I’d like my parents to spend one weekend a month with us and for us to spend every Christmas holiday with them …’
  • Him: ‘I’ve got the wooden stake, now does it need to be fresh garlic?’

LIFE GOALS/VISION

  • Her (sighing and tearful):  ‘I want us to have a long, happy life together before retiring somewhere by the sea.’
  • Him (sighing and tearful): ‘Maybe we can make the play-offs this year.’

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Calling all busy cooks!  Check how our Kickstarter campaign is going!

Consider Yourself Conned

by Commy on December 1, 2014

crime cartoon, vicar cartoon, wordplay cartoon, puns, cartoon humor blog

Tooper and friends have recently been discussing what would be the easiest route to making a living as a con-artist and decided that without banking experience, ‘old school tie’ connections or political ambitions, the only other possibility was to become a psychic.

And, given that there appear to be so many people lining up to part so easily with their hard earned cash, Tooper prepared the following ad to kick-off his money-spinning bandwagon :-

Intuitive conman seeks vulnerable, gullible people (with cash) for gentle probing followed by long term (lucrative…well for me anyway!) relationship leading to self fulfilling prophecy.

Then, having raked in the money, the only difficulty would be in ‘interpreting’ messages from ‘beyond the grave’ for his clients.  Tooper imagines hosting a seance and relating the following exchange from the spirit world :-

“The after-life isn’t quite how I imagined it.  For a start we had to pay to get in and last night we were kept awake half the night by Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor arguing … then Keith Moon started his drumming practice.  This morning we woke up to a ground frost and later we’ve got some temperamental chef doing a cookery demonstration.”

Followed by his translation:-

  • ‘we had to pay to get in’ - So, there really is hell to pay!
  • ‘Richard and Elizabeth arguing’ - Hell it seems, does hath no fury!
  • ‘Keith Moon drumming practice’ – Neighbour from hell!
  • ‘woke up to a ground frost’Apparently hell really does freeze over?
  • ‘temperamental chef doing a cookery demonstration’Hell’s Kitchen, obviously!

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Stuck for Christmas present ideas?  Check out our Books section

Nuts and Bolts

by Commy on November 27, 2014

relationship cartoon, wordplay, puns, cartoon humor blog, Dahling-Do-Tell Cartoon

Research on the subject of men who trade on (and hope to enhance) their ‘best asset’ has been an eye opener for Commy, in more ways than one.

Would you believe there are two methods of penile enhancement?

  1. Surgery and … wait for it …
  2. DIY!

Now, while Commy feels there may be a time and place for being thrifty, this is definitely not one of them.   One poor unfortunate apparently decided to throw caution to the wind and came up with the bright idea of screwing a rather large nut onto his ‘bolt’.  His thinking apparently, was that the weight of the nut … over time …

Unfortunately during the tricky attachment process, nature took its course and suffice to say, there were stirrings!  Is there nothing that will halt the unstoppable force that is an erection, muses Commy? Thus our hapless fellow, in trying to avoid the cost and pain of surgery, managed only to ensure that surgery was precisely what he got.

One final thought; it is not recorded for posterity how he got to the hospital. Public transport was presumably out of the question due to all those tricky automatic doors!  Commy hopes that if he did try to make it on foot … he did not pass anything magnetic on the way.  It would be the ultimate indignity in what had already been a very bad day.

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CALLING ALL HARD-WORKING COOKS!  YOU NEED A LITTLE HELP IN THE KITCHEN AND WE NEED YOUR SUPPORT.  GO CHECK OUR LITTLE KICKSTARTER PROJECT – YOU’LL BE GLAD YOU DID!

Love cooking but hate the drudge?

by Commy on November 26, 2014

For a change we thought we would introduce you to a little project for the cooking accessory we are about to launch on crowd-funding site Kickstarter and we could do with your support!  Don’t worry, we won’t neglect the cartoons, they’ll resume tomorrow!

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If you’re anything like me, you’ve probably felt that TV chefs and cookery programmes paint an unrealistic picture. How many of us have an army of assistants who’ll peel, chop and neatly present our ingredients so that they’re ready for use? For most of us mere mortals, it’s get your chopping board out, roll your sleeves up and get your hands dirty!’

So we decided that with help from the Caparo Innovation Centre at Wolverhampton University and various user groups, we would set about designing a light, easy to use product that would make the whole process less messy and more organised.  Something that would not only deal hygienically with the mountain of detritus that accumulates on our chopping boards but could also then be used to easily transfer the chopped, prepared ingredients to the pot.

That product is now known as CookStarta and here’s how it works…

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It sits alongside your chopping board to collect all the waste…then…

 

 

 

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Instead of balancing your chopping board over the pot, just leave it in situ and let CookStarta do all the work!

 

 

 

Interested to learn more?  Please check out the project and help spread the word!

See the whole project now on Kickstarter

For those of you unfamiliar with how Kickstarter works, if the project isn’t funded, no money is taken from your account.

The Hindrance of Hindsight

by tooper on November 24, 2014

wordplay cartoon, Yer Avin A Larf cartoon, wordplay cartoon, puns, cartoon humor blog

Tooper has been considering some of life’s disastrous decisions.

How many times have we heard people commiserating with someone blindsided by the effects of a rash decision?  People who when asked what they were thinking, let out a shuddering sigh and mumble, ‘of course, with the benefit of hindsight...’

Is there really any benefit Tooper asks, in knowing how stupid (or just plain unlucky) you’ve been?   To be able to look back and pinpoint exactly where it all went wrong?  In fact he wonders if henceforth the phrase should be amended to, ‘with the hindrance of hindsight‘.

By way of proving his point, here are a few spectacular examples :-

  • Darling, we know you have your doubts about marrying him but it’s all booked now.  And anyway, what’s the worst that can happen?  – Lady Di’s parents.
  • You’ll never guess what trip I’ve booked for our honeymoon.’   - Ted Beane to his wife Ethel (Titanic).
  • ‘It’s as safe as houses.‘  - The World’s Bankers to just about everyone!
  • ‘And you’re absolutely sure you don’t mind me going away to make this film?’   - Brad Pitt to Jennifer Aniston

and the mother of all ‘what ifs’ …

  • ‘You know he may look cute but there are times when I could cheerfully smother the little bugger!’  Adolf Hitler’s mother to his father!

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Struggling for Christmas gift inspiration?  Check out our humorous book collection

DIY Dunce?

by Commy on November 20, 2014

relationship cartoon, wordplay, puns, cartoon humor blog, Dahling-Do-Tell Cartoon

Commy has been wondering about the logic of our education system and how it prepares young men for adulthood.

Why is it, he wonders, that we emerge from our school/college days clutching certificates that merely confirm our ability to repeat parrot-fashion a few basic laws of trigonometry, tourist-level French and the odd Shakespearean quote, yet without the basic life skills to knock up a passable omelette or put up a few shelves?  Is this any preparation for the real world, he asks?

Why does no-one warn you that apart from all the emotional, sexual and financial choices that bear down on us in those few short years,  there is another more tricky hurdle to overcome.  The question that all men embarking on their first house-maintenance project will dread being asked by their expectant partners: which level of the DIY evolutionary scale do you aspire to?

  • DIY Virgin –  The innocents who wander fearlessly into the flat pack section of IKEA but without so much as the back-up of a phillips screwdriver or an understanding of the word rawlplug.
  • DIY Kamikaze – Another (more dangerous version) of the above.  In possession of a few rudimentary tools but with more bravado than brain.  Normally to be spotted swathed in bandages in hospital waiting rooms up and down the country OR … the posthumous subject of a major Health & Safety Inquiry and/or litigation.  Last words to be inscribed on headstones include, ‘how hard can it be?’
  • DIY Probationers – Normally found wandering through DIY superstores during bank holiday weekends, testing their shiny new spring-back measuring tapes on anything that moves and holding forth on the thickness of their loft insulation.
  • Let Them Eat Cake DIY’ers – Of the, ‘I have other life skills and anyway I can afford to pay an artisan to do this for me.’ variety.
  • The Power-DIY’er – Need a specific tool for a specific job?  This guy will have it … in fact he will have racks of them; colour/size and power graded.  You will need to be suitably humble about being allowed to pay homage at this DIY shrine.  But be warned, if at any time the Power-DIY’er straps on his gunslinger-type loopy, tool hanging belt, get out of there fast.  You’re in the presence of a fanatic!
  • DIY Street Walkers – The bastards who take advantage of any of the above’s shortcomings.  The tradesmen and women who know that most DIY’ers are at their most vulnerable during Sundays/Bank Holidays and who charge accordingly.  Who, when you can’t close the deal in cash, want your first born as collateral.

Commy in normal cussed style, refuses to conform to any of the above.  Instead he proposes a new form of DIY.  One that takes account of this new age of sexual equality and that acknowledges the great strides made by New Men everywhere.

He proposes that should any guys be presented with a list of ‘little jobs’ that need doing around the house, a polite refusal should be issued on the grounds that a new form of DIY (known as DIYFS) is being practised in most modern, forward thinking households.

If pressed for an explanation, it translates roughly as … DO IT YOUR FECKIN SELF! (For some reason this works best with an Irish accent!)

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Don’t forget to check out our books section for all your Christmas humour books!

The Simulators

by tooper on November 17, 2014

crime cartoon, football cartoon, wordplay cartoon, puns, cartoon humor blog

Tooper has been giving some thought to the so-called lowering of standards of behaviour amongst footballers.

Before anyone worries that this statement will bring a super-injunction winging its way towards Tooper Towers, he refers not to the seemingly endless shenanigans at the team hotel the night before important away games but rather; the attempt by players to con the referee into an unfair advantage by feigning injury or diving.  Simulation, as it is known in polite refereeing circles.

Tooper argues that, as it seems to be here to stay, rather than clamp down on this practice, why not embrace it for the entertainment value it truly provides?  Why not ‘out’ these talented simulation coaches and award them the recognition they seem so reticent to claim?  Would it really be that difficult to incorporate into any game a panel of judges utilising a score card system  à la ice dancing championships? Who, as the player launches himself after an innocuous challenge into his Sam Peckinpah style death throes, hold up their score cards accordingly?

  • 9.5 for artistic interpretation
  • 9.1 for technical merit.  Marked down due to failure to complete the required triple salko in the air and non completion of the obligatory double rollover with agonised scream on landing.

And should not these simulation coaches, ice dancing style, join their breathless, quicky recovering protegee to glance nervously towards the judging panel as they await their scores?

Tooper thinks he has hit on a winner and that it is now only a matter of time before another awards ceremony emerges that rivals not only the Player of the Year Awards but for sheer acting ability, one day possibly the Oscars..?

‘Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to The Simulators.’

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What do you buy for the person who has everything?  We’ve got the answer!