THE GREAT BRITISH DATE OFF cbFFG7npDM5yq5eNqbng5oy2HYSUah8qf_MCzpAHxxg

DIY Dunce?

by Commy on November 20, 2014

relationship cartoon, wordplay, puns, cartoon humor blog, Dahling-Do-Tell Cartoon

Commy has been wondering about the logic of our education system and how it prepares young men for adulthood.

Why is it, he wonders, that we emerge from our school/college days clutching certificates that merely confirm our ability to repeat parrot-fashion a few basic laws of trigonometry, tourist-level French and the odd Shakespearean quote, yet without the basic life skills to knock up a passable omelette or put up a few shelves?  Is this any preparation for the real world, he asks?

Why does no-one warn you that apart from all the emotional, sexual and financial choices that bear down on us in those few short years,  there is another more tricky hurdle to overcome.  The question that all men embarking on their first house-maintenance project will dread being asked by their expectant partners: which level of the DIY evolutionary scale do you aspire to?

  • DIY Virgin –  The innocents who wander fearlessly into the flat pack section of IKEA but without so much as the back-up of a phillips screwdriver or an understanding of the word rawlplug.
  • DIY Kamikaze – Another (more dangerous version) of the above.  In possession of a few rudimentary tools but with more bravado than brain.  Normally to be spotted swathed in bandages in hospital waiting rooms up and down the country OR … the posthumous subject of a major Health & Safety Inquiry and/or litigation.  Last words to be inscribed on headstones include, ‘how hard can it be?’
  • DIY Probationers – Normally found wandering through DIY superstores during bank holiday weekends, testing their shiny new spring-back measuring tapes on anything that moves and holding forth on the thickness of their loft insulation.
  • Let Them Eat Cake DIY’ers – Of the, ‘I have other life skills and anyway I can afford to pay an artisan to do this for me.’ variety.
  • The Power-DIY’er – Need a specific tool for a specific job?  This guy will have it … in fact he will have racks of them; colour/size and power graded.  You will need to be suitably humble about being allowed to pay homage at this DIY shrine.  But be warned, if at any time the Power-DIY’er straps on his gunslinger-type loopy, tool hanging belt, get out of there fast.  You’re in the presence of a fanatic!
  • DIY Street Walkers – The bastards who take advantage of any of the above’s shortcomings.  The tradesmen and women who know that most DIY’ers are at their most vulnerable during Sundays/Bank Holidays and who charge accordingly.  Who, when you can’t close the deal in cash, want your first born as collateral.

Commy in normal cussed style, refuses to conform to any of the above.  Instead he proposes a new form of DIY.  One that takes account of this new age of sexual equality and that acknowledges the great strides made by New Men everywhere.

He proposes that should any guys be presented with a list of ‘little jobs’ that need doing around the house, a polite refusal should be issued on the grounds that a new form of DIY (known as DIYFS) is being practised in most modern, forward thinking households.

If pressed for an explanation, it translates roughly as … DO IT YOUR FECKIN SELF! (For some reason this works best with an Irish accent!)

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The Simulators

by tooper on November 17, 2014

crime cartoon, football cartoon, wordplay cartoon, puns, cartoon humor blog

Tooper has been giving some thought to the so-called lowering of standards of behaviour amongst footballers.

Before anyone worries that this statement will bring a super-injunction winging its way towards Tooper Towers, he refers not to the seemingly endless shenanigans at the team hotel the night before important away games but rather; the attempt by players to con the referee into an unfair advantage by feigning injury or diving.  Simulation, as it is known in polite refereeing circles.

Tooper argues that, as it seems to be here to stay, rather than clamp down on this practice, why not embrace it for the entertainment value it truly provides?  Why not ‘out’ these talented simulation coaches and award them the recognition they seem so reticent to claim?  Would it really be that difficult to incorporate into any game a panel of judges utilising a score card system  à la ice dancing championships? Who, as the player launches himself after an innocuous challenge into his Sam Peckinpah style death throes, hold up their score cards accordingly?

  • 9.5 for artistic interpretation
  • 9.1 for technical merit.  Marked down due to failure to complete the required triple salko in the air and non completion of the obligatory double rollover with agonised scream on landing.

And should not these simulation coaches, ice dancing style, join their breathless, quicky recovering protegee to glance nervously towards the judging panel as they await their scores?

Tooper thinks he has hit on a winner and that it is now only a matter of time before another awards ceremony emerges that rivals not only the Player of the Year Awards but for sheer acting ability, one day possibly the Oscars..?

‘Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to The Simulators.’

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What do you buy for the person who has everything?  We’ve got the answer!

For The Sake Of Argument

by Commy on November 13, 2014

relationship cartoon, wordplay, puns, cartoon humor blog, Dahling-Do-Tell Cartoon

Commy and friends have been discussing which is worse at a social event; Cooing OR Caustic Couples?

Whilst both have the power to put a dampener on proceedings, Commy contends that the latter is the greater of the two evils.  After all, how many  warm, convivial gatherings have undergone an arctic-like drop in temperature at the arrival of a Mr & Mrs Bickering-Spitehousen?  A couple so caught up in their little bubble of attrition that, even though surrounded by increasingly embarassed friends and acquaintances, cannot help but continue lobbing their little stun grenades of venom.

Not only that, but they seem horribly adept at laying a veritable minefield of verbal traps for their fellow-guests to unknowingly stumble into.  Little morsels of bait that tempt you to stray from the safety of ‘no mans land’  into enemy territory before being flaunted by whichever side of the argument claims to have captured you.

Commy feels that, particularly amongst friends, this sort of anti-social and unattractive behaviour must not go unchallenged.  He proposes a Caustic Couple Test which, if failed, involves the guilty parties being barred from polite company.

In future, anyone exhibiting Bickering-Spitehousen tendencies will be asked the following questions:-

  1. Has either of you in the lead up to this event uttered the words, ‘Is that really what you intend wearing tonight?’
  2. Have either of you been involved in a slamming competition involving house and/or car doors?
  3. Was the sullen silence in the car on the way over either:   a) companionable  b) mildly uncomfortable or c) excruciating?
  4. Have any (or some) of the following words or phrases passed your lips this afternoon?  … selfish … unfeeling … whiny … TYPICAL! …  ‘Oh god, how did I know you would bring that one up again!
  5. Has any bedding already been deposited in spare room/sofa areas?

If you answered Yes, Yes, Excruciating, all of them and Yes, then do us all a favour.  Stay home and sulk like normal couples!

***Commy feels he must own up to one of his own post-argument, slightly uncomfortable car journeys with Mrs Commy.  In a vain attempt at ironic humour, he tentatively ventured aloud while passing a field of free-range pigs, ‘Relatives of yours?’ 

There was a moment’s hesitation before she replied, ‘Yes … in-laws!’

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Our books section may have the answer to all your Christmas humour gift dilemmas!

Desperately Seeking Elvis!

by tooper on November 10, 2014

crime cartoon, Elvis cartoon, wordplay cartoon, puns, cartoon humor blog

Tooper and friends have been considering what it takes to make up the archetypal Elvis impersonator.

In other words, if such a position were to be advertised, rather in the way of a job vacancy, what would be the minimum requirements?  Having agreed that ‘the voice’ and ‘the attitude’ were a given, surely there have to be other more unique attributes that a potential employer would be looking for?

Tooper suggests the following :-

ELVIS IMPERSONATOR – ADDITIONAL REQUIREMENTS:-

  • must possess protruding upper-lip (think self-inflicted fly fishing accident)
  • must possess hyper-flexible pelvic moves (think Miley Cyrus meets Shakira)
  • must provide own super-strength black hair dye (of the type that seems available only to the Kardashian family and/or ageing middle east tyrants)
  • must provide own migraine-inducing ‘Bling’ (think Bulgarian pimp meets Kanye West)
  • must provide own bodysuit comprising minimum 3000 rhinestones, four foot collar wingspan/flares and a 48 inch full frontal zip (not necessarily working)

BENEFITS PACKAGE

  • three weeks paid (working) holiday a year in Vegas
  • an adoring entourage to pander to all your sexual and pharmaceutical needs
  • an almost unlimited supply of peanut-butter, banana and bacon sandwiches

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TIME’S RUNNING OUT TO ORDER YOUR FUNNY BOOKS FOR CHRISTMAS!

Musical Mystery Tour

by Commy on November 6, 2014

relationship cartoon, wordplay, puns, cartoon humor blog, Dahling-Do-Tell Cartoon

Commy has been listening to friends wondering about investing in a theatrical project.

After all, they argued, plenty of people from Andrew Lloyd Webber to the unsexy half of Abba have made more than a passable living attaching a feeble plot-line to a show-stopper of a pop/rock anthem and waited for the cash to roll in.  Perhaps we could do the same, they mused?

Commy feels that people nowadays only go to a show that includes songs they are already familiar with and , in an already over-saturated market, anyone hoping to make their fortune would need to come up with a different angle to present to a gullible public.  Perhaps by remembering the old mantra. sex sells?

For the sake of argument, he asked them to consider revamping one of the following:-

  • Guys and (Blow-Up) Dolls
  • Les..bian Miserables
  • Swinging in the Rain
  • Chitty Chitty Gang Bang
  • Seven Rides for Seven Brothers and the slightly disturbing…
  • Fiddler on The Roof

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We’ve got all your Christmas humour gifts covered in our funny book selection!

Photofit Faux Pas

by tooper on November 3, 2014

crime cartoon,  Yer Avin A Larf cartoon, wordplay cartoon, puns, cartoon humor blog

Tooper and friends have been discussing the LAPD and their ever-growing ‘rogues gallery’ of (frankly hilarious) post-arrest celebrity mugshots.  You know the ones that inevitably involve ‘bed-hair’, a blotchy complexion and a startled expression…

Whilst wondering how this pampered groups’ army of PR representatives might react on opening their morning papers and seeing their precious red-eyed, dishevelled clients peering sullenly back at them, Tooper also admitted that there can be few things more designed to bring a quiet smile of satisfaction to the face of Joe Public?  And, that being the case, surely no-one would argue if cash-strapped government agencies made use of these highly lucrative images by allowing their police mugshot services to negotiate the odd sponsorship deal?  After all these are hard times.

Perhaps one day, we will see our sulky celebrity-felons plastered all over the tabloids above the following sponsorship captions :-

  • DRIVING UNDER THE INFLUENCE - Charlie Sheen, Mel Gibson, Lindsay Lohan, Nick Nolte, Paris Hilton, Robert Downing Jnr 

These mugshots are brought to you by Coors/Jameson’s Irish Whisky/Roche Pharmaceuticals and/or The Nicaraguan Drugs Cartels (delete as applicable)  

Note to Gov. Agencies  –  There’s big money to be made here!

  • SHOPLIFTINGWinona Ryder

This mugshot is brought to you by Saks Fifth Avenue and Acme Security Camera Surveillance Systems

  • LEWD BEHAVIOUR IN PUBLIC – Hugh Grant  (but only if he gives a thumbs up to the camera!)

This mugshot is sponsored by LOADED magazine … who should expect a major circulation spike!

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Beat the Christmas rush – order your funny books now!

Marriage Of Inconvenience

by Commy on October 30, 2014

relationship cartoon, wedding cartoon, wordplay, puns, cartoon humor blog, Dahling-Do-Tell Cartoon

Commy has been listening to a male friend who is in a long term ‘serious’ relationship, discussing ways of avoiding the wedding extravaganza his partner (or rather his partner’s parents) seem to crave.

What’s so wrong with keeping things real, he asked?  When did it become compulsory to blow a small fortune impressing friends and neighbours with ever more elaborate and costly marriage ceremonies?  Haven’t these wedding themed companies made enough money out of the collective male reluctance to put a stop to this madness, he ranted?

Commy feels that it would take a very brave man to make a stand.  After all, wouldn’t it spell the end of most relationships if men admitted that the most wonderful day in their partner’s life was actually something akin to most men’s worst nightmare?  He suggests a more subtle approach is required to deflect the conversation whenever the  subject of ‘nuptial planning’ is raised.

Initiating an argument based on any of the following comments should do the trick –

  • ‘I thought you said you wanted to lose at least two stone before the wedding?’
  • ‘My favoured honeymoon destination would be West Africa.  I’m sure the Ebola outbreak will be over by then!’
  • ‘My best man and I have always promised each other we’d perform the ceremony in fancy dress, is that a problem?’
  • ‘My mother’s suggestion is that we don’t invite your cousin, Daphne, as she’ll definitely spoil the photos.’

and if all else fails…

  • ‘I’m thinking of converting to Judaism/Scientology/Islam ….’ etc etc

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We have humour books for the person who ‘has everything’!

Lost In Translation

by tooper on October 27, 2014

crime cartoon, Heinz cartoon, wordplay cartoon, puns, cartoon humor blog

Tooper has been listening to friends discussing some interesting food labelling gaffes spotted on foreign supermarket shopping trips.

Although they felt that brownie points should be awarded to foreign food manufacturers who gamely attempt an English translation on their products, they also felt that some rather let themselves down by not first checking them out with an English speaker!

Tooper  wonders if they are not being a little unfair.  After all, he argues, even in the English speaking world there are some spectacular differences between US and UK food cultures.  How many of us have witnessed our US cousins in British supermarkets, convulsing with laughter when confronted with either Spotted Dick or Faggots in Gravy?

Having said that, even he had to concede some of the following food companies had got it spectacularly wrong:-

  • The manufacturer of a very tasty looking home-made jam that rather worryingly tastes like grandma!
  • The manufacturer of a frozen noodle product labelled, Soup For Sluts!
  • The manufacturer of a Chinese savoury snack called, Only Puke
  • The manufacturer of a Chinese appetiser named, Shrimp Flavoured Crack
  • The manufacturer of a large salami type product labelled, Homo Sausage
  • The Ghanaian manufacturer of a real thirst quencher called, Pee Cola
  • The manufacturer of some appetising looking biscuits named, Finger Marie
  • The manufacture of an instant hot soup drink branded, Urinal
  • The manufacturer of what appears to be bottled water, called, Pet Sweat
  • The Finnish manufacturer of ‘real potato chips’ labelled, Megapussi (thankfully this is NOT a flavouring.  You will be relieved to hear that pussi actually means large in Finnish!)

Don’t believe me?  Check this out – http://www.boredpanda.com/food-name-fails/

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Wacky Races

by Commy on October 23, 2014

relationship cartoon, Mercedes cartoon, wordplay, puns, cartoon humor blog, Dahling-Do-Tell Cartoon

Commy and friends have been considering the now ubiquitous movie car chase.

Is it compulsory to have at least one five-minute, screaming, white knuckle ride in every blockbuster, they asked? And if so, isn’t it about time someone came up with a twist on the usual  ‘run of the mill’ car versus police car/baddies format?  After all, even in real life there have been some serious innovators in the car-chase stakes, people who have run amok in, not only in a modified bulldozer but also (unbelievably) a tank!

Commy feels that the problem in coming up with new and innovative ways of attracting the police’s attention (apart from the fact that for both drivers, those chases ended very badly indeed)  is that in entertainment terms there needs to be a level playing field.  What would be the point in coming up with a new and exciting mode of transport to initiate a chase, like say … a stolen unicycle … if the police didn’t ditch their souped-up patrol cars and follow in kind … so to speak.  Kind of ‘Keystone Cops’ meets ‘Cirque du Soleil’.

Here are a few other, more novel chase combinations Commy for one, wouldn’t mind paying to see:-

  • The Praetorian Guard careering through the Greek quarter of Rome in hot pursuit of a reckless plebeian graffiti artist … in war chariots
  • Mr Darcy making hard work of closing in on a fleeing Mr Wickham (for his ‘shotgun wedding’) … in sedan chairs
  • Toulouse Lautrec being hunted by debt collectors across the suburbs of Paris … in hot air balloons
  • Holmes and Lestrade trying to corner Moriarty … on Pennyfarthings
  • The Beatles (Hard Days Night style) taking on the police and half of the low bridges in London  … in red double decker buses
  • Lewis Hamilton trying to outrun traffic cops  … on Segways

Now that’s what Commy calls entertainment!

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SORRY FOR THE INTERRUPTION, FOLKS – NORMAL SERVICE HAS NOW BEEN RESUMED!

Temporary Interruption To Service!

by Commy on October 13, 2014

Just a short note to say, for the first time in almost three years we are out of the country for a week so will not be posting for a few days. After today’s post we will resume again on Thursday 23rd October. In the meantime, if you’re having withdrawal symptoms, check out some of our oldies but goodies or our books page and get your Christmas shopping underway!